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A huge storm is rolling in. I have my windows open, ready for the intake of fresh, crisp air.

I have had such a bad couple of days - I am considering removing my sheets from my bed and making a nest on the floor, so I can lay there with my kitten and feel the wind, watch the lightning, hear the rain.





I am really sad that I don't have candles.

And in the rash of melancholy, I impressed myself.



"They didn't say thank you... but that is okay. I didn't do it for their thanks - I did it because I wanted to be nice."



My thoughts shouldn't surprise me, but they do, and now I feel good. Really good.

Other than the aching back, arms and hips.

Fuck the aches.

I was quite unimpressed by a few things today, but I can't see the point in mentioning the situations or to those people; I could change their lives by doing the "Wake up, look at yourself, do you really think you are treating yourself well?" speech - I would do it in a more polite way, I would be gentle and I'd attempt to be subtle... but I am fairly sure it won't work in the overwhelming negativity that the situation emanates.



I don't blame them - I just don't have the patience to try right now. I am tired in so many different ways. Physically tired, as it is nearly midnight. Muscularly tired - my muscles are aching something fierce. Emotionally tired - I read a book today that was great, but I know how the last book in the series ends - and it is sad. I am mentally tired from the constant worry I feel, combined with weariness in my social life - not that I am weary of people, I just want to help and I can't. That makes me feel old and sad.



I also ate quite a bit of "full-cream milk" ice cream, so I will most likely be sick tomorrow. I wish I had bought semi dried dates instead - believe it or not, I enjoy them so, so much more than ice cream.



I have an appointment on Monday, which will be... long and difficult. It will most probably be mentally exhausting. Yay! If it makes me feel too bad, or too nervous, I may make an appointment to donate blood - that always cheers me up.

The sun is setting and it is still 97f. Not all that impressed, Australia.

"I HATE CHRISTIANS. MY FAVOURITE BAND IS EVANESCENCE!" - LOL.

I spent hours upon hours rewriting my resumes (I have more than one, for the different sort of fields I apply for - my medical one is by far the best) and applied for a ton of jobs... it seems to have worked, as I have an interview on Monday, and they were extremely keen to get me in asap. So... good. I am not really nervous about it, because I know I am a good contender, and I have done that work before. I... yeah. Short resumes are apparently good things, and so is throwing out the old ''ordered and stuffed'' types - I wrote mine out as advertisements for my amazing skills, I lovingly crafted them, and it seems like I am... winning. Haha! Also, the person called me not even 20 minutes after I submitted my application, so I am thrilled. And they chose the closest possible day. Again, thrilled.



*happy sigh*



I hope I get more calls. I am not exactly 100% qualified for some of the jobs I applied for, but... it is worth a try, and it shows determination, I guess.

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Oddity
00:48 Nov 21 2014

Good luck! I took a business class in high school as an elective but the teacher had us do word searches for a grade...it was a waste of time, teach me to do a proper resume! Lol.

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I live in suburbia, right? I can hear a vixen yowling/calling for her cubs. It is bizarre. WHATCHU DOIN' IN SUBURBIA, FOX? It is so weird and makes me 400x glad that Mocha and my housemate's puppy are indoor pets.



I felt bad about keeping Mocha locked inside for 98% of the time (I have walked around the tiny backyard we have, with Mocha, twice, because it was nice and warm and he loves warmth), but I got a flier in the mail urging people to keep their cats as indoor cats, for the protection of vulnerable wildlife here - not to mention that he would probably get hurt outside, and that would crush me - but I still felt kind of bad.

Anyway, now I don't feel bad about it, because a) he is safe and

b) it is socially, economically (vet bills!) and environmentally/ecosystematically responsible to keep him inside - so I am content(ish) to have him as a house kitty, and to not take him outside unless he is on a leash - as I plan on walking him regularly.

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Oddity
13:54 Nov 19 2014

My cat has gotten to the age where he is bouncing off the walls. He is bored with being inside. He has never been outside in his life, but he has gotten to where he will watch out the window and he just wants out so bad. And eventually my parents will let him out, but I want him to stay inside!

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I try, I try every day to be understanding. God lord. Ugh. I am so frustrated, I feel like throwing in the metaphorical towel due to my inability to... detach a barnacle.



I am severely displeased with my choice of an associate, today.



It always weirds me out when people who view themselves as morally correct then go and beat others down. I haven't done it in so long, because it is just... wrong. It is wrong. I don't care who it is, it is wrong.

No excuse.

Kindness is free. Compassion is free. Being socially and politically aware, as well as legally and internationally informed is a good thing - but it's useless if you go about it in a nasty way.

Eloquence and well-thought out moves... I don't really understand rash decisions anymore.

They rarely work in your favour and should never be a primary course of action.

I don't understand how people cannot believe the extent of what bullshit I don't believe in.

Mocha bit my nose... my heart is broken. Some people on our street are fighting. I am listening to Flashdance. I have my Tumblr groove back, I wish my phone would ring, heh.

It has been two weeks today, since my exam. Blegh. I need to check the mail but I have a feeling that the results won't be in the mail box.



I just want to knoooow.

I attempted to watch Pan's Labyrinth... I tried, dear reader, I tried. In the end (actually, within 15-20 minutes) I got tired of the over-religiousness of it and skipped through 89% of it, and watched the last minute. In total I probably watched no more than 25 minutes of it, a fact that is verified by the current time, which is... very late.



What ever.



I tried re-watching Dusk Til Dawn, but... the creepiness of Tarentino staring at the daughter wigged me out (and I dislike him as an actor and a director), so that spiel didn't last very long, either.



I am pleased to be able to access the closest thing Australia has to Netflix.

COMMENTS

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Zombiman
16:00 Nov 14 2014

I agree 100% about Tarantino.

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I really want something sweet... Ugh I have time to go get something but I will feel like crap afterwards.

I am possibly going through Sugar withdrawal, since I have eaten so much on the last 2 days, after not eating sugar for months.

Hm.

I may make sugar-free, naturally sweet pancakes.

I was listening to "She Is My Sin", and apparently it is the Wishmaster album version... NOPE. >:

I have a list of albums I need to refind. I borrowed Wishmaster from a German neighbour, and since it was borrowed, it was returned.

I need it ugh.

I watched "Blackfish" today. Wow. It is probably one of the saddest, anger-inducing documentaries I have ever seen.

Since I am sure I will succeed, I have started looking for Universities that offer Masters or Honours degrees. heh. They are offered on my area.

I have six long scratches from Mocha, lining through my tattoo. Ah well. They were all accidents, and I knew kittens and cats scratch, so I knew I was taking a risk.



Worth it, too.



I will get it touched up in a few months.

I have been reading Oatmeal comics about cats. It is... sadly coming true. Haha! I love Mocha and his cat-behaviour, either way. I have never owned a cat, and the longest I stayed with a household that had a kitten was for a few nights, and that kitten was rather skittish (and bit a lot).



I still can't believe I adopted a feral kitten, tamed him and that I am... so deeply attached to him. I can't believe how much I adore him.

I've never been a ''cat person''.



hm...





Mocha. :3

Prooobably shouldn't have said that, but... y'know.



There is a sale on in the Dharma store that I like, 20% off all fabrics - meaning shirts, Tibetan scarves and...the door curtains that I really, reaaaallly like.

sigh.



I really need to get going, but I hate catching the bus. It is late or doesn't turn up at all.

- essentially you only get out what it is that you put in.

If you make yourself miserable (no one else can do it - you CHOSE to be in that mindframe), then misery you shall have.



I dislike it when people blame ''life'' for things - change your life and your mindframe and it works out.



That is one of the core Buddhist beliefs that I have - most suffering is self-inflicted. With compassion and kindness towards others AND YOURSELF, you can end your own suffering and that of those around you.

Even on the ''worst'' day, there is some good point - and if you can find none, remember that you are alive/healthy/loved/living in a 1st world nation, with access to fresh food and clean water, even if you are homeless.



Practicing gratitude and compassion with loving-kindness completely changed the way I looked at things. I have shit days but there is always something good to come out of it. Always.



I just... yeah. Mindfulness and compassionate meditation don't fix everything, like mental illnesses are not something you can just change overnight, but over the last 12 months, it has done wonders for my OC anxiety.

Once you kind of step up to the plate and accept responsibility for your wayward feelings, you can control them much better.





I dunno, man. I just mean... there are worse things in life.

Mocha is staying inside with free roam of the house, for a few hours, for the first time.

I would belying if I said I am not anxious about this. haha. He should be fine, but I still worry. I left him yesterday with free roam for about half an hour, while I popped over to the store, and he was fine.



Still nervous though.

... I will make that again, for sure. Last night I made a Mexican casserole, and it was beautiful. I will make a larger version next time.



I used a carrot, three small potatoes, half an onion, a tin of kidney beans and quite a few jalapenos. When I make a bigger version, I think I will use a tin of chickpeas, as well as the kidney beans.



I spiced it, mixed in some thick salsa and put cheese on top and baked it. oh god, it was so good.

Do I... make mushroom stroganoff, which is terribly unhealthy, but looks amazingly yummy, or do I... fffffs I want the stroganoff. It has cream cheese in it, quiiiite a lot of cream cheese.

I can't get the dual webcams to work. Ugh. Maybe Google knows the answer.



Mocha is hunting moths. He loves it.

My Surface Pro 3 is amaaaaazzziiinnngg! I love it. I was shaky on the way home, on the bus. I was getting weird looks, someone looked at my box more than once - it made me edgy. It is the single most expensive piece of technology that I have ever had.



It is so beautiful.

And today, things are better. Tomorrow I go shopping for Mocha - he needs toys, as he is too darn clever for his own good and likes to eat things he shouldn't eat. I adore him completely and utterly. It has taken me a week to litter-train him, which amazed me as I haven't ever owned a cat, and assumed it would take much longer.



Today I made a small number of pancakes. Whike eating them, I droped a bit on the floor, and Mocha ate it. He then purred like a nutter.

My pancakes are kitten-approved.



Unf. He is just so goddamn cute. I have, for the most part, stopped worrying that he will not make it and die on me, suddenly. He is so sturdy and has put on so much weight, and grown so big in roughly 1.5 weeks. He does all the "normal" kitten things (thanks Google) and he is adorably clingy to me. He will not sleep unless he can see me, or unless he is naughty and sleeps on my pillows (or on me).

Since he usually sleeps on me, he generally purrs himself to sleep. Adorable.

Lasylt night I discovered he loves scrunched up paper balls, so I will buy him a few balls tomorrow. Next week he should really go to the vet. Eeeeeh. I am worried about him getting needles. :C



He doesn't seem to have mewing work for him, even at 7 weeks old. He sounds more like a bird than anything, chirping away at me.

Something has been really annoying me for a few months, and I feel like it isn't imporant enough to make a big deal out of, but I know I should, because I know myself well enough to know that it'll escalate if I don't voice my displeasure to the person.



In reflection, it already has escalated.



I guess I am floundering. Floundering and dismayed.



I don't want to be on VR anymore. I will keep this account for a little while, but it is enormously likely that I will give this account to Judgement.